Colombian downhill mountain biker Marcelo Gutierrez is back, this time taking us on a Red Bull Downhill time trial that descends some 2,000 meters and includes more than 1,000 stone steps.
[gizmodo]
Job titles on LinkedIn
- Digital Overlord
- Creator of Happiness
- Retail Jedi
- Wizard of Light Bulb Moments
- Dream Alchemist
- Chief Chatter
- Change Magician
- Accounting Ninja
- Chief Biscuit Dunker
- Direct Mail Demi-God
Humour: found on hospital charts
- The patient refused autopsy.
- The patient has no previous history of suicides.
- Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
- Note: patient here?recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circu sized.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- Skin: somewhat pale but present
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
The Bigger Your Butt, the Longer Your Life
Want to beat heart attacks? Have a larger butt.
A recent study found that if a woman has a “pear-shaped” physique, then she has less of a chance of suffering from metabolic and heart diseases. It’s not just a matter of buying a crate of Fritos and sitting on your ever-expanding ass for a week; rather, it’s about having a genetic predisposition to grow fat on your butt and thighs instead of your stomach and other places.
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You can save time by just adding fatty food directly to your butt.
Oxford’s Dr. Konstantinos Manolopoulos studied the properties of the type of fat stored in large posteriors. Manolopoulos (Greek for “cannot lie”) discovered that this specific type of fat is better at permanently absorbing fatty acids, keeping them away from your arteries and lowering the chances of them getting clogged. What this adds up to is that women with “the big butt gene” are less likely to die from heart attacks.
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The same study concluded that Jennifer Lopez will outlast the heat death of the universe.
Manolopoulos also found that body fat in the lower half of our anatomy (which he inexplicably failed to call “booty fat”) releases beneficial hormones that fight diseases like diabetes.
The fact that middle-aged men tend to gain weight in the waist and middle-aged women tend to gain it in the thighs might explain why men are more likely to have heart attacks than women. Meanwhile, the fact that rappers tend to desire big old asses might explain why Sir Mix-A-Lot was so apologetic about liking big butts. Singing a song mocking girls without life-expectancy cushions in their back pockets is just mean.
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Above: A scale replica of Methuselah’s ass.
Read more: 7 Random Things You Won’t Believe Are Shortening Your Life | Cracked.com
TALKS
Billy Collins: Everyday moments, caught in time
Combining dry wit with artistic depth, Billy Collins shares a project in which several of his poems were turned into delightful animated films in a collaboration with Sundance Channel. Five of them are included in this wonderfully entertaining and moving talk — and don’t miss the hilarious final poem!
A two-term U.S. Poet Laureate, Billy Collins captures readers with his understated wit, profound insight — and a sense of being “hospitable.” Full bio »
In his latest trials promo, stunt cyclist Andrew Dickey makes the streets of Melbourne his life partner.
[wtc.]
Optical Illusion
This image never really ever stops moving. If you stare at it long enough, you can kind of get it to slow down but it never stops.
USA Humour: Oklahoma State Senator Constance Johnson Writes Satirical Amendment Banning Non-Procreative Ejaculation
Oklahoma State Sen. Constance Johnson introduced an amendment to an Oklahoma ‘Personhood” bill giving zygotes the same rights as adults. Her amendment state that any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.
Humour: priorities
A man goes to bed and reaches over to his wife. He starts sliding his hand slowly across her back, shoulders, then down her side just glancing her breasts, and then carries on down her side and legs.
He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down her inner thigh.
He moves back towards the top and stops.
His wife opens her eyes and gasps, “Why did you stop?”
He replies, “Found the remote … Go back to sleep!”
Google to Sell Heads-Up Display Glasses by Year’s End. By Nick Bilton
Screenshot via GoogleThe Google glasses will use augmented reality software to return real-time information about locations and people.
According to several Google employees familiar with the project who asked not to be named, the glasses will go on sale to the public by the end of the year. These people said they are expected “to cost around the price of current smartphones,” or $250 to $600.People who constantly reach into a pocket to check a smartphone for bits of information will soon have another option: a pair of Google-made glasses that will be able to stream information to the wearer’s eyeballs in real time.
The people familiar with the Google glasses said they would be Android-based, and will include a small screen that will sit a few inches from someone’s eye. They will also have a 3G or 4G data connection and a number of sensors including motion and GPS.
A Google spokesman declined to comment on the project.
Seth Weintraub, a blogger for 9 to 5 Google, who first wrote about theglasses project in December, and then discovered more information about them this month, also said the glasses would be Android-based and cited a source that described their look as that of a pair of Oakley Thumps.
They will also have a unique navigation system. “The navigation system currently used is a head tilting to scroll and click,” Mr. Weintraub wrote this month. “We are told it is very quick to learn and once the user is adept at navigation, it becomes second nature and almost indistinguishable to outside users.”
The glasses will have a low-resolution built-in camera that will be able to monitor the world in real time and overlay information about locations, surrounding buildings and friends who might be nearby, according to the Google employees. The glasses are not designed to be worn constantly — although Google expects some of the nerdiest users will wear them a lot — but will be more like smartphones, used when needed.
Internally, the Google X team has been actively discussing the privacy implications of the glasses and the company wants to ensure that people know if they are being recorded by someone wearing a pair of glasses with a built-in camera.
The project is currently being built in the Google X offices, a secretive laboratory near Google’s main campus that is charged with working on robots, space elevators and dozens of other futuristic projects.
One of the key people involved with the glasses is Steve Lee, a Google engineer and creator of the Google mapping software, Latitude. As a result of Mr. Lee’s involvement, location information will be paramount in the first version released to the public, several people who have seen the glasses said. The other key leader on the glasses project is Sergey Brin, Google’s co-founder, who is currently spending most of his time in the Google X labs.
One Google employee said the glasses would tap into a number of Google software products that are currently available and in use today, but will display the information in an augmented reality view, rather than as a Web browser page like those that people see on smartphones.
The glasses will send data to the cloud and then use things like Google Latitude to share location, Google Goggles to search images and figure out what is being looked at, and Google Maps to show other things nearby, the Google employee said. “You will be able to check in to locations with your friends through the glasses,” they added.
Everyone I spoke with who was familiar with the project repeatedly said that Google was not thinking about potential business models with the new glasses. Instead, they said, Google sees the project as an experiment that anyone will be able to join. If consumers take to the glasses when they are released later this year, then Google will explore possible revenue streams.
As I noted in a Disruptions column last year, Apple engineers are also exploring wearable computing, but the company is taking a different route, focusing on computers that strap around someone’s wrist.
Last week The San Jose Mercury News discovered plans by Google to build a $120 million electronics testing facility that will be involved in testing “precision optical technology.”
Some kind Canuck did us all a big favor and slowed down the extended title sequence of the Simpsons’ 500th episode, which features a flipbook-style look at all the couch gags in the show’s storied history.
Music: “Feel It All Around” by Washed Out (AKA the Portlandia theme song).
[wow.]
ACTA Stalled by European Commission
European Union approval of the Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement (ACTA) has been postponed by the European Commission, which plans to ask the European Court of Justice to decide whether the treaty violates any fundamental EU rights.
According to EU trade commissioner Karel De Gucht, ACTA doesn’t violate the EU’s rights of freedom of expression and freedom of information.
“ACTA will not censor websites or shut them down; ACTA will not hinder freedom of the Internet or freedom of speech,” he said today.
Protestors in several EU countries, including Germany, Poland and the Netherlands, disagree. Several EU governments have now refused to ratify the treaty because they believe it’s a threat to citizens’ privacy.
For ACTA to take effect in the EU, it must be approved by all 27 member states.
[guardian]
Humour: “This is good”
There was this king in Africa who had a close friend he had known all his life. This friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, “This is good!”
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off.
Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, “This is good!” To which the king replied, “No, this is NOT good!” and had his friend immediately sent to prison.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole, as it would be bad luck for the whole village. So they untied the king and sent him on his way.
As he returned home, he remembered the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the prison to speak with his friend. “You were right,” he said. “It was good that my thumb was blown off.” And he proceeded to tell his friend all that had just happened. “And so I am very sorry for sending you to prison for so long. It was horrible for me to do this.”
“No,” his friend replied, “this is good!”
“What do you mean, ‘This is good?!’ How could it be good that I sent my lifelong friend to prison for a year?”
“If I had not been in prison … I would have been with you.”
Misconceptions: C.G.P. Grey follows up his random myth-debunking video with another misconception rundown devoted to clearing up eight long-held beliefs about animals.
[cgpgrey.]
