The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever. As of October 2011, 46,224,722 Americans were receiving food
stamps. In Washington, D.C., more than one in five residents receives food stamps
Meanwhile, the US Park Service asks us to “Please do not feed the animals” in the national parks, because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.
A guy is sitting at home when a doctor calls from the local hospital’s emergency room.
“Are you the husband of Mrs. McCleary?” asks the doctor.
The guy says he is, and the doctor says, “I’m afraid I have some news about your wife. Actually, there’s bad news and there’s good news.”
Guy says, “OK, give me the bad news first.”
Doctor says, “She’s been in a horrible accident. Two of her limbs were ripped off and the rest of her body is paralyzed. She’s being fed through a tube, and it looks like she’s pretty much a vegetable. You’ll have to provide round-the-clock care for her for the rest of her life.”
Guy says, “That’s awful! What good news could there possibly be?”
Doctor says,”I’m just fucking with you. She’s dead.”
Dear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof and Ma’s teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
There are two sheriff’s deputies there.
He asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.
The guy says “sure ” and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, “I’m sorry sir, but it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”
The guy says, ” I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook. “
In a new take on an old story, more than 250 women in a rural town in South America are withdrawing their partners’ conjugal rights until their menfolk take action - to repair a dangerous road.
The new Lysistratas of Barbacoas, near the Pacific coast of Colombia, went on their “Crossed Legs Strike” on Thursday.
And they believe if they carry on with their action their sex-starved partners will be driven to lobby the government to fix the road that leads from their town of 40,000 people to the rest of the country.
A real woman is a man’s best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible…
I’m thinking of whiskey. It’s whiskey that does all that shit.
— Phil Glowatz
Charles Courtemanche, an economics professor at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, published in 2008 a study showing that a sustained $1 increase in the price of a gallon of gas results in a 10 percent drop in the nation’s obesity rate. Americans who walk and bike more often and eat at restaurants less often will suffer fewer obesity-related diseases. Every $1 uptick in gas prices saves 11,000 lives and $11 billion in health-care costs annually.
The Paper Abstract states:
I find evidence of a negative association between gasoline prices and body weight using a fixed effects model with several robustness checks. I also show that increases in gas prices are associated with additional walking and a reduction in the frequency with which people eat at restaurants, explaining their effect on weight. My estimates imply that 8% of the rise in obesity between 1979 and 2004 can be attributed to the concurrent drop in real gas prices, and that a permanent $1 increase in gasoline prices would reduce overweight and obesity in the U.S. by 7% and 10%.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
There is always a way.
The easy way is always mined.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
If you can’t remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won’t be able to get out.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
If you’re short of everything but the enemy, you’re in a combat zone.
When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.
Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. when you’re ready for them.
b. when you’re not ready for them.
Quick, they’ll never find us if we hide here.
Don’t worry, it’s not used any more.
Step back a bit, I can’t get you in the picture.
So they finally fixed this elevator yesterday?
Listen, I’m taking a course in chemistry, I know what I’m doing.
Yes, of course the elastic is strong enough.
It’s OK so long as you stay down wind.
Nah, that fuel guage often gets stuck on empty.
I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.
Hey, don’t worry, it isn’t loaded.
Please fasten your seatbelts, we’re about to enter some turbu…
Darling, did you remember to turn off the gas?
You have driven this before, haven’t you?
And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?
Well I think you should *tell* him just how you feel.
I’ve never had one of these fail to open before.
Look how was *I* supposed to know it was upside down?
Are you sure they don’t mind you taking their honey?
Say, what’s that faint ticking noise?
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. “I want to say that it’s been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you’ve all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a “B” for the course.” There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, “Any one else? This is your last chance.” One final student rose up and took the offer. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. “I’m glad to see you believe in yourself.” he said. ”You all have “A”s.”