- The vast majority of Popes die while being Pope. It’s bloody dangerous. Good move, Benedict.
- The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.
- If the pope quits does he lose his Infallibility superpowers?
- Pretty clear the Pope was just using the church to build up his Twitter following.
- Your Papal account has been suspended.
- Citing his advanced age, the Pope is stepping down, adding, “Protecting pedophiles is a young man’s game.”
President John F. Kennedy
(at a dinner honoring Nobel Prize winners, April 29, 1962)
Fishing is a lot like dating:
Some you throw back,
While others you keep;
There are some that you mount,
Then there’s those that you eat!
Eager to make her mark in the world of business, the attractive new MBA took a job as an executive assistant to the middle-aged owner of a fast-growing computer software company. She found the work challenging and the travel interesting, but was extremely annoyed by her boss’s tendency to treat her in public as though she were his girlfriend rather than a professional associate.
This was especially irritating in restaurants, where he would insist on ordering for her, and on calling her “dearest” or ”darling” within earshot of the waiters. When she told him how much it bothered her, he promised to stop, but the patronizing behavior continued.
Finally, as he led her into a four-star restaurant, she took matters into her own hands. “Where would you like to sit, sweetheart?” he asked, with a wink at the maītre d’.
“Gee,” she replied, “anywhere you say, Dad.”
New Law, ‘No Politician Left Behind,’ Would Pay Congressmen Based on Performance
Controversial Law Draws Howls of Protest from Lawmakers
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A government think-tank today proposed a controversial new law, “No Politician Left Behind,” which would pay congressmen solely on the basis of performance.
The law, which was proposed by the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Government, “would make a serious dent in the Federal deficit because few if any congressmen would ever have to be paid,” said the Institute’s director, Davis Logsdon.
“Right now, congressmen get paid even when they storm out of budget negotiations in a hissy fit,” Mr. Logsdon said. “Under this new law, the rule would be, no budget, no paycheck.”
The idea of being paid per accomplishment drew howls of protest from lawmakers, many claiming that if the law were enacted it would result in their financial ruin.
“If passed, this law would be tantamount to the establishment of ‘Work Panels,’ which would determine whether individual congressmen are accomplishing anything,” said Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA). “I, for one, would be in deep, deep trouble.”
“I’m fairly sure that this law is unconstitutional,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “Now, I have never actually read the Constitution, but if this law were passed I would probably be forced to read it or live in a cardboard box.”
House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said that creating performance standards for lawmakers was “an insult to the institution of Congress.”
“We have spent millions of dollars, some of it out of our own pockets, to get to Washington,” he said. “We did not come here to be treated like teachers.”
Get a free subscription to Borowitz Report here.
© Andy Borowitz
© Andy Borowitz
At a get-together for Paul’s anniversary, he was asked to give a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration: ”So tell us, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”
“Well,” he replied, “I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
“I don’t need all five back, but if you could help me find the index and thumb, that would be terrific.”
The loaded mini-van pulled into the only remaining camp-site.
Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marvelled to the youngsters’ father, “That, sir, is some display of teamwork.”
The father replied, “I have a system — no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.”