I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
(around a picture of dandelions)
So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going
At My Age, I’ve Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All…
I Just Can’t Remember It All
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
No, It Doesn’t Hurt
(on a “well-tattooed” man)
If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
(on the back of a passing motorcyclist)
Yale Is Just One Big Party… (on the Front)
…With a $25,000 Cover Charge (on the back)
Coffee, Chocolate, Men … Some Things Are Just Better Rich
Liberal Arts Major … Will Think For Money
Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
Gravity: It’s Not Just a Good Idea - It’s the Law.
If At First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t For You
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
So you’re an ill senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Congressmen. Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered. And, as an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.
And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.
I turned 60 today, and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. “My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry” We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, “I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB.”
If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.